im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
