I'm so fucking centered right now
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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