I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I made him laugh his dick is mine
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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