I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
