Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
