I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
