Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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