Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
