Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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