I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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