I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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