if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
