how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
