My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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