I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
