Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
