What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
