he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
