walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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