I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
