It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
i need some magic done to my vagina
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
