When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
