I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
