I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
