so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
