i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
