Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
