my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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