Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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