we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
