mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
