i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
