you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Dear god my vagina.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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