Best friends brother. Beat that.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
