I'm lost and stupid without you.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
