i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
