I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
