I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
