I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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