No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
