NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
