so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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