My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
