Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
This house was built for laser tag.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
