i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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