i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
