if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
