Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
