i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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