Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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