I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
