if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
They have beer where we have blood.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
