Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
