I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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