What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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