why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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