I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
you made out with another girl for some wings
Randomize
