I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
