I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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