I got chris browned last night
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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