Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
