My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
